Christo Renel Plays In Traffic

by Christo Renel

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1.
Well, it's just like my Dad always said He said, "Son, nice guys finish last, it's the assholes that get ahead But still be a nice boy, 'cuz you can only count on you Yeah, your friends will leave you high and dry, and blistered, and blackened, and blue" It true Well, it's just like my Ma used to say Well, she'd say "Son, never pray too hard, 'cuz you're damned anyway Your life is just a trap from which you can never break free Yeah, and you'll always be a dumping ground, so be the best dumping ground you can be Oh, and boy, the girls, they will rock your world But then in just a little while, they'll tear apart your smile And before you get old, you will spot the pot of gold Then when it's within reaching distance, they'll cut off your hand" Oh, man Now I am an older, but not much wiser man But still, I'm wise enough to see my folks just spoke the truth, yeah, they were right all along, God damn They read me the story, for they knew I'd play the part Of the boy who must live with the curse of a trashcan heart 'Cuz boy, the girls, they have wrecked my world And the best friends of mine, they ended up to be slime But all I touch will break, so beware, and make no mistake It might be ugly, but it is strong, my trashcan heart And I know nothing grows from a barren land And emptiness fills up my heart like a trashcan But you can't destroy what was broken from the start So you'll never break my trashcan heart, no You can push me, I will fall, you can kick me in the balls You can give my face a smash, you can shove sharp things right up my ass That wouldn't be so bad, I mean, there's so much worse that I have had Like being born, then living with my trashcan heart And I know nothing grows from a barren land And emptiness fills up my heart like a trashcan But you can't destroy what was busted from the start So you'll never break my trashcan heart No, you'll never break my trashcan heart No, you'll never break my trashcan heart No, you'll never break my trashcan heart
2.
Oh Boy! 02:43
Well, I know that that's a dude in drag But he's still prettier than any girl I've had His legs are smooth, he's made up so good And if I could, then Hell yeah, I would But then my thoughts conflict, but not for long I wanna get in closer, wanna get it on So I build up the nerve, walk up, say "Hi" I can't believe that she's a guy A poisoned apple, or my sweet cherry pie? Oh, boy... He's the prettiest thing I've seen He's prettier than girls in magazines He's even prettier than your Mom Oh Hell yeah, he's da bomb We laugh laughs and drink more drinks And I dig her tastes and the way she thinks Then I think to myself, "Boy, this could be the one I feel like I've won, fuck yeah!" Grab her hips, then pull her in tight Now we're kissing with passion, and the shit feels right My hands crawl up her skirt, what's that? There's something there, handle with care Proceed with caution, or do I even dare? Oh, boy... Well now, I don't know, what do I do? Do I seal the deal, what would Jesus do? Well, it might feel icky, but it might feel good I might regret it if I didn't, yeah, I probably would So I'll give it a go, I mean what do I care? It's not like we're defined by what's down there And he's my groovy girl and I'm her lucky dude And if that causes you a panic, well then you can lick my shoes We are happy, we're in love having fun We are harmless, we're not hurting anyone We all must live together, but acceptance has its foes There are bigots, there are racists, and homophobic assholes There is war, there is hunger, there are guns everywhere But the "Queer Agenda" gives you a bigger scare There's so much horror you block from your sight But when it comes to gay equal rights Well, there's an issue that you're prepared to fight? Oh, boy...
3.
Another year's gone by, and now another one begins Each day getting closer to the end It's my birthday and I need to find something to do I'm tired of this fatigue, need to jump-start my brain Well, maybe I'll try crack-cocaine It's my birthday and I wanna try something new God knows how I got this far; but does he know how I'll go on? Swig the Jack, light up the bong It's my birthday and I'm feeling (al)mighty blue I know that I'll get by, I know I always do It just gets harder, that seems to be the rule It's my birthday, what am I gonna do? It's my birthday, fuck yeah! FUCK YEAH! CHORUS: The stars keep blinking and the sky is falling down And I know there's an answer, just one that can't be found So I'll spend my life searching, just taking air and space When I get to the end, I'll see I lost this race Then I'll die as I lived, all alone, what a fucking waste I'm going down that downward spiral, 'cuz I'm looking for a thrill With whatever time I've got left to kill It's my birthday and I'm feeling sad, boo-fucking-hoo My head keeps spinning, yeah, and I don't know what to do Well, maybe I'll just sniff some glue It's my birthday and I wanna try something new Each time another comes, life's closer to being done No more excitement, no more fun It's my birthday and I'm feeling mighty blue I know that I'll get by, I mean shit, I always do It just gets harder, that seems to be the rule It's my birthday, what am I gonna do? It's my birthday, fuck yeah! FUCK YEAH!
4.
So What? 02:54
So what? Yeah, what does it matter now? It's over, just like it was in the beginning, well, anyhow So I'll breathe, yeah, I'll breathe in slow and deep Breathe in the good then breathe out the bad Then cry my lonely self to sleep So what? Yeah so what? Aw, so what? Yeah, so God damn what? So what, yeah, for a moment it felt so real 'Till reality sent my sanity to fight a battle that's all been uphill So I drag, yeah, I drag my feet real steep I'll dig them low and drag them slow, until I'm buried in a heap So what? Yeah so what? Aw, so what? Yeah, so fucking what? So what? Yeah, what does it matter now? Well, it's over, just like it was in the beginning, aw shit, now anyhow So I'll breathe, yeah, I'll breathe in slow and deep Breathe in the good then breathe out the bad Then cry my lonely self to sleep So what? Yeah so what? Aw, so what? Yeah, so God damn what? So what? Yeah so what? Aw, so what? Yeah, so God damn fucking what? So what?
5.
Her low waist jeans give me a rise. Unfortunate for me, I can't find the occasion To catch her name, or catch her eye. No matter how I try, it's a hopeless situation She's so hot, yeah, and I am not the kind of suave motherfucker who'll get a shot, no It's plain to see, that this can't be. The napkin in her hand's the only thing that'll go down on me CHORUS: 'Cuz she really takes the cake, yeah, well and I am just the crumbs now That she ain't never gonna taste, she throws me in the waste, she's done Eating, and what's left gets tossed into the trash Crumbs like me just get wiped up then slung out real fast Thrown in a ditch, well, ain't that a bitch? I'm less than she'll take, 'cuz she just takes the cake Her miniskirt's hiked so high it hurts. Her legs, like candy canes, glistening and sweet Her top fits just right, so perfectly tight. She's the apple of my eye, such a nice treat She's so hip, oh yeah, she's the shit, the kind of hip chick that I would love to hit, yeah But I can see, that it won't be, I freeze in place with my jaw dropped as she walks right past me CHORUS: 'Cuz she really takes the cake, yeah, well and I am just the crumbs now That she ain't never gonna taste, she throws me in the waste, she's done Eating, and what's left gets tossed into the trash Crumbs like me just get wiped up then slung out real fast Thrown in a ditch, well, ain't that a bitch? I'm less than she'll take, 'cuz she just takes the cake BRIDGE: If only life could be like an 80's movie Where the geeks get the popular girls Well, that would be so groovy, yeah Hell yeah, well she's the perfect recipe, she is tasty sugar, and I am the salt That got in the mix by accident, so now it tastes like shit, and it is all my fault She's so cool, and I've been the fool, dreaming and praying for a no-can-do I finally accept, but with much regret, that this won't happen would be the only sure-win bet CHORUS: She really takes the cake. I am just the crumbs She ain't never gonna taste. Throw me in the waste, she's done Eating, and what's left gets tossed into the trash Crumbs like me just get wiped up then slung out real fast Thrown in a ditch, well, ain't that a bitch? I'm less than she'll take, 'cuz she just takes the cake She takes the cake, the cake she takes, she takes the cake, and I'm the crumbs now She takes the cake, the cake she takes, she takes the cake, and I'm the crumbs now Crumbs keep crumblin', crumbs keep crumblin', crumbs keep crumblin', I'm the crumbs that keep crumblin', Crumbs keep crumblin', crumbs keep crumblin', I'm the crumbs, she takes the cake!
6.
Sticky Stuck 02:24
If you're looking for action, well then look no further I ain't the guy with a diamond ring But I got something else that'd go good with your fingers I wonder if you know what I mean? You a little too crazy, and I'm much too lazy For a love that's gonna last And I keep looking back on just how much I've fucked up My future's looking just like my past I was tryin' to get your attention It's like pissing with an erection I took up the occasion Well now I'm stuck in a sticky situation, yeah Outta luck, sticky stuck Nothing much beyond touch and lust A pretty picture painted for me Now you all fucked up and this is far more complicated than you said we're gonna be Go on and eat your words, you're one stone, we're two birds Splattered simultaneously And just 'cuz you blow me don't mean you don't own me It means just like you, I was easy I was tryin' to get your attention It's like pissing with an erection I took up the occasion Well now I'm stuck in a sticky situation Dyin' to get your attention Pissing with an erection I took up the occasion Well now I'm stuck in a sticky situation Yeah
7.
Florida Man 04:55
So I was on the internet just the other day When I read an article that made me say, "No way!" It said this man had a plan to get himself fries and a shake And 'cuz he didn't get a straw, he began to defecate Right in the middle of McDonald's, it was quite a mess The smell became unbearable, the customers were distressed The cops came in, and he resisted the arrest Then he puked on the officers, but he did it with such zest I wondered, "Who's this guy?" He looked so high and fried and He had missing teeth, and scabs all over his face and two black eyes I wondered, "What's his name?" I re-read the article, and it came To be this man who doesn't give a damn was named Florida Man He's Florida Man So I went on Google and Googled more about this dude He had so many stories, so many crazed and crude Like the time he pissed in his boss's drink Then when he got fired, well he made such a big stink He went home, grabbed his gun, then went to shoot his boss in the head Put the gun in his pocket, then leaned down, and shot his dick instead Or the time he got pulled over for drinking as he drives He said the charge was bullshit, 'cuz he only swigs at stop signs I wondered "Who's this guy?" There's so much logic he defies Why would I even try to figure out what goes on in his brain? But still, I am obsessed And the guy gets so much press So clearly I am not alone, I can't postpone Reading about Florida Man Florida Man says drugs up his ass aren't his Florida Man fills his neighbor's shampoo with jizz Florida Man eats the flesh off a stranger's face When asked why Florida Man says because he thought he'd like the taste That's Florida Man, just like a villain In a gnarly movie, and I've become a fan So, I wanted so badly to meet this guy I looked for his contact info, it came as a surprise He lived in so many towns, and always has a different face It was then that I had realized there just was no way To track down this man, he's a master of disguise Yet he gets arrested daily, then tells tall tales and lies They lock him up, but soon enough he's on the streets again They can try to hold him down, but they can never beat Florida Man, no! And I know I can Be just like Florida Man and Lose all my senses and act senseless and just not give a damn Live life as I please Be a social disease And take the fame and entertain everyday, yeah Just like Florida Man Florida Man starts his day off with Tequila shots Florida Man sets house on fire while smoking pot Florida Man always planning his next onslaught That no one understands except for Florida Man
8.
Anticipate relief and the sound of splashing water Sometimes it slips with ease, other times you must push harder When you’re backed up and constipated, it will be a bother You might grunt, you might moan, you might even holler Everybody poops And everybody pinches a loaf Sitting on the throne from time to time It doesn’t matter if you’re a king, or just a measly peasant We all still poop, and the smell can be unpleasant Kid or adult, woman or man We all have been pooping since our lives began Drop the kids off at the swimming pool Let the logs out, let the turtles loose Make like Snoop, and ‘Drop it like it’s hot’ Unloose the caboose, yeah, give it all you’ve got Everybody poops And everybody plants potatoes Sitting on the throne from time to time Yeah, everybody poops Everybody anal pukes It isn’t a sin, and it ain’t no crime Bake a loaf, then blast your butt trumpet Bomb the bowl with a butt load of nuggets Dook one out, yeah, drop a brown trout Do not wipe until all the turds are out Whether you’re a human or an animal at the zoo We all must poop, yeah, even fish poop, too If you’re kinky you can add it to your sex life Cleveland Steam your husband, or smear it on your wife Everybody poops And everybody vacates their bowels Sitting on the throne from time to time Everybody poops And everybody takes a dump It isn’t a sin, and it ain’t no crime Plant the potatoes, dook one out Squeeze the cheese, make a solid fart Roll out a nut log, ride the hoop ‘Cuz everybody poops!
9.
Well, I painted us a picture, I knew could never be But still somehow I confused it with reality, silly me So I'm waiting for an answer, an answer I won't get It just gives me that much more time to prevent an accident Hell no, it's no that simple, I'm lost and paranoid Now I'm asking lots of question, yeah, and shit, you look annoyed And this hole that I've been digging, it's finally deep enough For me to sink down, now you can run, and bury me in your dust CHORUS: No, you don't have to stay, you can run far away Out of bounds, lost and never to be found No, you don't have to stay, you can run far away Out of bounds, lost and never to be found Well, I had myself a vision, a foolish fantasy But still somehow I confused it with what could come to be, stupid me So I'm waiting for a verdict, a verdict I won't get There's no jury, and there's no judge, there's no hope, there's just regret Simplicity is not simple, Hell no, that shit's complex I try to find some peace of mind, so I can stumble through what's next This ditch that I've been digging, it's finally wide enough 'For me to lie down, now you can run, and leave me here to rust CHORUS: No, you don't have to stay, you can run far away Out of bounds, lost and never to be found No, you don't have to stay, you can run far, far, far, far away Out of bounds, lost and never to be found Lost and never to be found Lost and never to be found
10.
You won't be my valentine, no, you won't be a friend of mine You won't even be an acquaintance, well God damn girl, I'm losing my patience I could be whatever you want, I could be your beat up trailer in your beat up trailer park You say you feel no spark, why must you always speak such nonsense talk? You could do whatever you want, you could give me hugs, or you could beat me up, yeah Anytime you're down on your luck, well, you can take your shit right out on me I could be your punching bag, whenever you're cranky, whenever you're on the rag I won't mind being treated so bad, so long as I'm next to you I could be your Alter boy, and you the priest who teaches joy I could be your pimp, and you could me my 'ho, or you the pimp and me the 'ho, either way is cool, yo You could be my Mom and I could be your Dad, or me your Mom and you my Dad, either way would be so rad I could be happy or sad, I could be good, but I'm better at being bad You could do whatever you want, you could dress me like a girl, then do my make-up, yeah I could be your sissy boy, my degradation is your joy I could be whatever you want, I could be your little sister who you cruelly tease and taunt I'll take whatever abuse you've got, if it means being close to you Don't you think that it is time you showed me yours, 'cuz I've shown you mine You claim you didn't want me to, well, that's a bullshit lie that I'm seeing right through I could be whatever you want, I could be exciting, be a bore, fucking crazy, nonchalant Whatever you want, something to hide, or something to flaunt You could do whatever you want, you could give me hugs or you could beat me up, yeah Well, anytime you're down on your luck, well, you can take your shit right out on me And I will be your punching bag, for the rest of your life, until you're an ugly old hag I won't mind being treated so bad, so long as I'm next to you I'll always be whatever you want.... Be whatever you want...

credits

released July 31, 2020

All songs written, performed, recorded, mixed and produced by Christo Renel, except 'Trashcan Heart', which was recorded and mixed by Tyler Rousseau at The Man Cave, Monroe, NJ; he also performed the drums and sang the 'woos' and 'laas'. All other songs recorded solo at The Shitpad, Sayreville NJ, and Orion's Crossing, Maggie Valley, NC. Recorded throughout 2019 and 2020, the worst fucking year ever.

Artwork by the Space Ostrich.

Mastered at Azimuth Mastering.

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Christo Renel Sayreville, New Jersey

Christo Renel was found under a rock in the winter of '73. He was placed on a mantel, and displayed as a curious oddity. Slowly he mutated into the form you see today. In the '90s he recorded hundreds of songs on a Tascam Porta 07. After a decades long hiatus, he is back to writing music for your listening displeasure. His first solo album 'Christo Renel Plays in Traffic' will be released in 2020. ... more

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